Excuse for abuse

             Considering how aware we are of abuse, why is it that many still fall into this same trap, losing their lives and self-worth as a result? Human beings are quick to judge other people’s situation but fail to identify the problem when it gets personal.  Look around you, it is certain that there are people you know who have been victims of abuse.
All in the name of love, we call abuse “a sacrifice to bear, a cross to carry, a price to pay.”  This is where we must revisit the true meaning of love.  This is one of the major reason why abusers remain relevant and the victims become more demoralized. When your happiness is no longer in check, when pain becomes your daily encounter as a result of your partners’ action towards you, you must assess things critically. People get too familiar with abuse and fail to call it what it is.  A person who has been subjected to scrutinity and criticism all their lives view unhealthy relationships as a norm.  How do you recognize abuse? What do you do about it? Let’s explore some ways in which abuse occur.

  • Demeaning Sarcasm- there are ways in which people express themselves to seem funny but when you become the focal point of sarcasm, easy to make fun of in a demeaning and demoralizing manner, then you are being verbally abused. There is always a limit to jokes most especially coming from a partner, when you can no longer differentiate the joke from reality and it makes you less than yourself  or unhappy, that’s your answer right there. Address it so it would not become a habit.
    Excuses you make: “He or she was just joking.” “It’s not that serious”.
  • Incessant criticism (Emotional abuse) – Have you ever being with a person who points out your faults without recognizing the good things you do? Everytime this happens, you want to find ways of pleasing your partner at your own expense. This can be energy draining, the victim gradually loses self-esteem and confidence in themselves.   Excuses you make: “I messed up”, “I can’t do anything right,” “he or she does not like when I do thing that way.”
  • Getting physical– Physical abuse is always a mystery. How and why in the world will a relationship get to a stage where a person raises a pinky, not to talk of the whole hand against another adult? Most victims of physical abuse will often tell you they were shocked the first time it happened but subsequent incidents are accepted as a culture of their relationship. One time  is all you need and make sure that a second time does not occur. When a reasonable adult accepts abuse as a way of life, you have made yourself a child again  and the abuser will continue to treat you that way. The dilemma of such situations is that the victim is crazily in love but the abuser’s love is being expressed the opposite way. DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR AN ABUSER. If he or she has anger issues, let them go deal with it and come back to you when they need you. Draw the line, stand up for yourself. If your parents stopped spanking you when you were a teenager, why should a person  you met along the way in your life’s journey make you an anger receptor.You don’t have to lose your life because of someone who can’t control themselves.                                                                                    Excuses you make: “It was my fault”, “he or she was just upset”, “they were raised that way,” “I shouldn’t have provoked him or her”,  ” he or she is having a bad day.”

The way you feel following your partner’s actions will help you easily determine if you are being abused or not. Abuse should be unacceptable from your husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend, and nobody at all. It is not enough to just be in love, your relationship must be right and your partner must be SANE. When you notice insanity, and you make excuse for it without adressing it, you also become insane, retaining the abuse cyle in your relationship. Not until you start believing great things about yourself and start acting that way, other people will continue to treat you less than you are. Make the change for you and no one else. Stop protecting the abuser, protect yourself.

Related post:https://inkatheart.wordpress.com/category/love-relationships/page/2/

The “after breakup” phase

             It was hard for you get to this point, whether you opted out of the relationship willingly or someone left you unexpectedly. Some of the fears you had about being alone are now a reality and you feel a form of emptiness in your world which was once occupied by a special person. This is the phase where you stare at your phone and you don’t get as many text messages or calls as you used to. You take note of the tiny details you never paid attention to in your room. You constantly search for things to do or suddenly start calling friends you didn’t have time for when you were in a relationship.

             This stage after breakup is meant for you, an avenue to connect with your inner self. You can’t deny talking to yourself several times, asking questions about what happened, where do you go from here………. It is a time for you to find healing for your hurt and comfort yourself with hope of better opportunities. It is also helpful to have loved ones around you at this time, even though they cannot heal you, they always provide support to cheer you up in low times (Keep your friends and family close when in a relationship so you can have them by your side when things are difficult.) It takes time to get over breakups, depending on how involved you were in the relationship, however you will find out how strong you are afterwhile of being by yourself. You will discover more about yourself than you’ve ever imagined. You don’t want to get stuck dwelling on what could’ve been and “had I knowns.” Empower yourself and embrace your future which will certainly be better than your past.

Reality check on divorce and remarrying.

You would often hear people say, “If one doesn’t work for you, try another one,”  “Oh its always better the second time around.” Remarrying would not really make much difference in many situations considering higher divorce rate reported with subsequent marriages.

According to the Enrichment Journal on divorce rate in America, divorce rate for first marriage is 41%, second marriage is 60%, and third marriage is 73%. Nearly 2 out of 3 second marriages end in divorce.  Marriages work or last long because one or both parties involved are willing to work at it. Similarly, marriages fail because at least one person gave up on the marriage. This is not a judgment on divorce but more of a challenge to people who are thinking about divorce. Have you ever wondered why people get married to different people three times or more? Every marriage has its struggles but what makes some better is the ability to stay together in difficult times, bearing your vows in mind, committing to memory and repeating it to yourself as much as possible when you feel like giving up. It is true that a good and peaceful marriage is like heaven on earth while a miserable one is like hell on earth.

Don’t start getting mad at this point, thinking that this writer is encouraging you to stay in a bad marriage. Some marriages were never meant to be and they end up crashing regardless of what people do, but many marriages are worth keeping. It is important to understand that, just as time changes and human beings evolve, so does the approach toward marriage need to improve. In order words if there is still hope, spice  up your marriage, if you get tired of a particular technique in any area, change it up to be more appealing, with the intention of keeping the fire in your marriage. If the two hearts are willing, you can still make things work. Stay true to your vows.

Related post: Till Divorce do us Part, https://inkatheart.wordpress.com/2012/11/28/till-divorce-do-us-part/

My Angel, a She-devil

When I began the search for the love of my life, it was like a hunter’s mission.  I came so close to making the perfect shots several times but wouldn’t hit the exact target. The day I encountered this shining star was remarkable. She was introduced as my cousin’s friend at a family member’s graduation party. She was radiant, graceful in her walk, and eloquent in speech. I told her my name was Todd and she said, “my name is Katherine but everyone calls me Kathy.” After that day, I sought to know more about that damsel, whose image I couldn’t get off my mind. So, I called my cousin Misty to ask about her friend Kathy, as nosy as she was, she knew I was up to something. I then had to confess that, “I kinda like her.”  Misty promised to arrange to set us up on a blind date and that was the beginning of our journey. Kathy and I started a special relationship that was beyond incredible. She brought so much happiness to my life with her sweet and calm nature. I decided that I wouldn’t let her out of my life so, I proposed to her after dating for about two years.

Our relationship was more fulfilling as a newly wedded couple, the adrenaline rush of love, and honey moon excitement lasted for a year and a half. Eventually, real life set in after  22months of marriage. Kathy became very sensitive about the little things I do, she wanted me to draw the shower curtain after getting out but I don’t do it always, I sometimes leave the toilet seat up and she hates that. She suddenly became insecure about my movements, my friends, and family. That sweet side of her gradually declined as she exhibited a more hostile behavior. She would yell whenever we talked, cuss out my family members when they came over to our house. She became the reason why my friends stayed away from me. Every attempt I made to find the woman I married in her was not successful, I began feeling like she hates me. I could no longer please the angel of my life and this tore me apart. What’s worse than for a man to feel powerless and restless in his own home.  Our home became a heated oven that was not condusive for me and my wife.It was very difficult to accept this side of my beloved wife, but the more she became bitter and uncontrollable, I saw her grow into a beast and I finally concluded that, my angel is a she devil who deceptively covered up her true character and personality. She was the woman I never prayed for in my entire life, I felt trapped and had no way to escape. I became a victim of verbal and emotional abuse and the saddest part was that, I was in love with this woman, I wanted to do everything to please her and bring my angel back to life but she remained a She-devil.

We crossed the friendship Line II

              After we had crossed the friendship line, it became difficult to stay friends.  We had to decide whether we wanted more to our friendship. I wouldn’t want ours to be a “friends with benefit relationship.” So, we had to meet face to face after two weeks of avoidance. Someone had to take the initiative of starting a conversation, otherwise, we might lose each other forever. Well, I did it. I called to set a convenient time for us to meet,  the awkwardness of our phone conversation made it seem as if we were strangers. We knew something had to be done as soon as possible.
            We finally met at a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon, our greetings were exchanged  with limited eye contact or friendliness. Awkward silence was our intro as we sat to place an order, she eventually broke the silence by asking about how I did on our Microbiology exam ( The exam which led us into this dilemma). At the moment of truth, I told her how horrible I feel about what transpired between us and how much I value what we have.  I then asked if she wants us to remain friends, we decided at that time that we should date eachother not just because of what happened,but we agreed that we had feelings for eachother.
Many people can relate with this story either from experience or by witnessing it. Every case is different and if you must cross the friendship line, keep in mind you are at risk of jeopardizing your friendship. Such situations lead some to become friends with benefit which is no longer a friendship but a sexual relationship or a conditional friendship. Some will end the friendship for lack of confidence in the other person to become more than friends and inability to continue as just friends. Therefore, define your friendship and be open about your feelings before any situation gets out of control. When you cross the line, it will not be same as it has always been.